Being a Perfectly Imperfect Role Model

The referee didn’t see the play clearly, made a call for the opposition, and your team lost the game. Our season is over. We won’t advance to the tournament. 

A power outage resulted in glitching traffic lights, and your vehicle sustained some damage in the ensuing collision. You need to find alternative transportation. It’s another unexpected strain on finances. 

The other company bent the rules, but they were awarded the contract anyway. We won’t meet this quarter’s goals, unless we find another project quickly. 

This sucks. 

How did they get away with that? 

How can this happen? 

It’s not fair. 

We’ve all said it, thought it, and felt it. For observers, these situations may not hold high stakes, but they matter very deeply to the people involved. Sadness, confusion, annoyance, anxiety, despair, anger – these are all perfectly reasonable reactions to have in the face of challenging events. We did everything we were supposed to do, but things went wrong. It’s not fair. 

Hopefully, as adults, we can draw on our experiential knowledge and a toolbox of coping mechanisms to move past incidents like these with some ease. When we witness others struggling, we have the means to offer emotional or practical support. If we are the ones affected, we figure out what to do next, recalibrate and redirect our energy, and request assistance from others. 

Sometimes, our usual stress management methods fail us, especially when troubles have been unduly imposed on us. We can act out in uncharacteristically negative ways. After the initial energy has been expended and you feel equipped enough to unpack what happened, an opportunity exists for you to be vulnerable and request comfort from your kids. Together, you can reflect on how to avoid similar situations in the future. You can share lessons learned and brainstorm ways to support each other. 

But what about when you are the responsible party in a conflict? In the heat of an argument with a friend on the phone, you said or did something regrettable. The words came out harsher than you intended. The door slammed when you came in because you didn’t realize the impatient energy in your body would come out with that much force. Or it simply felt good to take your frustration out on an inanimate object. Time to check that the hinges are fully intact. 

Then the feelings behind your outburst dissipate. You take a deep breath, look around, and see that your kids were watching you enact the kind of tantrum you discourage them from having. Not your best modeling moment. So you’re not the picture of kindness and compassion. Your conduct doesn’t always reflect the person you aspire to be. Hey, look at you. You’re not the perfect role model. You’re an actual human being. 

Empathy feels like a big ask at that moment, when you were the one who made a mistake, as opposed to being the one who got hurt by someone else. As uncomfortable and awkward as it may be to approach, the truth is that this could be the best time to request understanding. It signals that when they are having big feelings and acting out in ways that feel wrong to their systems, you will understand. They can come to you for help. When your child is observing you, every misstep can be a teaching moment, and that includes when your actions don’t align with the values you try to instill in them.They are building their own toolbox by watching how you process and manage what comes after unfortunate events and regrettable actions. But you are not their only source of input. They observe their peers, siblings, teachers, other adults, and random strangers on the street. The subconscious thought process is: What is acceptable behavior when something goes wrong? Is this how I’m supposed to act when I get frustrated? 

How do you meet this moment? The best thing you can do is talk to them with as much humility and honesty as you can. 

1. Acknowledge what you did and that you acted contrary to your values. 

Mommy said something hurtful to a friend. That’s not how I want to behave. Now I feel terrible about it. 

2. Hold yourself accountable and demonstrate how to make amends. 

I’m going to tell my friend that I’m sorry and ask them to meet me for coffee so we can talk about what happened. 

3. Teach them to accept that they cannot control the outcome. 

My friend doesn’t want to talk to me right now. Maybe I can try to reach out again later, but for now, I have to respect their boundaries. 

4. Demonstrate self-compassion. 

It’s okay that I had a bad day. When I see other people struggling, I try to understand what they are doing and saying without judging them. I’m going to try doing the same for myself. 

5. Discuss what can be learned from the situation. 

I’m going to think about how I can act differently the next time something like this happens. If I disagree with a friend again, I will do my best to speak with kindness. I don’t want to hurt someone I care about. 

6. Give them the space to share their thoughts, feelings, observations, and the opportunity to ask questions. 

How did you feel when you heard what I said? What happens when your friends get angry? Is there anything you want to talk about now? 

It’s important to live and model your family values as best as you can, but it’s just as important to address them when you make mistakes. Life offers learning opportunities for everyone in the family every day, even when you occasionally show your kids what not to do! 

Don’t forget to listen to the Modern Montessori episode, “Teaching Equity to Young Children,” a riveting conversation between Podcast Host Vincent Chavez, Founder of Neo Global Elina Chen, and our special guest, DEI Practitioner Jaya Mallik!

To connect with Jaya, visit her website Jaya Mallik Coaching & Consulting!